Friday, September 18, 2015

MY BROTHER PASSED

I just found out last night that my last brother died - 4 months ago.  Neither his wife or my nieces of nephew called me and told me.  How I found out was I entered his name on the computer and found the obituary.

Right now, I am in many moods.  I am shocked because I had no idea.  I am upset because my brother passed.  I am pissed because no one called me and told me.  My name is not even in his obituary as his surviving sister.

I was born with two older brothers.  My brother George was the oldest, my brother, Robert (Bob) was in the middle one and I was the youngest.  George was 14 years older than me.  Bob was 7 years older than me.  Growing up and into our adult lives we got along.  Oh, as brothers and sister, we had disagreements, but nothing serious or that lasted long.

 My brothers and their families moved to Florida.  I stayed here until my parents got ill with Alzheimer Diease and Dementhia.  I moved to Florida to take care of my parents.  Took care of my parents for 13 years.  When my Father's time was coming, my brothers got all upset with me.  I still don't know why.  When my Father died and they found out I was the head of the estate, they really got upset.  After that I moved back north.

When my brother, Bob, passed, it was my brother George that called me and told me.  Later we got involved in our geneology and we talked backed and forth several times.  Our relationship wasn't like it was when we were we children, but it was good.  So I can't understand why no one called me and told me.  I don't know what to do.  It hurts, it really does.

I would like to call them up and tell them off, but that is not what God would want me to do. On the computer, after the obituary, there is a place you can leave a message, I wonder if I should leave one, but would I say.  Or should I go on and not say anything?

With my parents gone and my brothers gone, I am the head of the family now.  Not that it makes any difference. I have been praying over this and asking the Lord what I should do.

Marilyn




34 comments:

Vickie said...

Oh Marilyn. I am so sorry. What a horrible way to find out. You are doing the right thing first, and that is praying. I do believe you should contact your SIL, but not to tell her off. Let her know you would have liked to know.

New York State Of Mind said...

Good Morning Vickie,
Thank you so much. It is a horrible way to find out. Right now, I am still praying.

Marilyn

kymber said...

Marilyn - this is just awful and i understand your anger...it is part of your grief. someone should have let you know. and i am very sorry that you had to find out this way.

but keep your thoughts with the Lord and help him help you through this difficult time. i want you to know that i am saying extra special prayers for you today when i take my dip in the river. it will work, i just know it.

i am very sorry for your loss so please be extra gentle with yourself for the next little while. your friend,
kymber

New York State Of Mind said...

Good Morning Kymber,
Thank you so much. I still can't believe one of them didn't call me. I wouldn't have had the means to fly down there for the funeral, anyway. But they should have told me.

Thank you for your prayers. I will keep my thoughts with the Lord.

Marilyn

Varla Lee said...

Hi Marilyn, its been i short time that i follow you & i have to say that i love your blog. Today I feel sad like you, cause i know how it hurts. My father in law is very old & her wife all this years avoid him see his sister. But some mounths ago I called her and ivited her to come & hug again her brother. It's not fair, it's not fair to do in this way!!! People will have to answer God for all this badness. I'm really sorry for your situation & for your brother...we will pray for you here in Italy & for your brother soul, also for his family. Goodby.

New York State Of Mind said...

Good Morning Varla Lee,

Thank you so much for your sympathy and prayers. I can use them right now. People are not fair all the time, that is for sure. God will take care of it. It is the shock of it all.

So happy you joined us and like the blog.

Marilyn

Lily said...

I am sorry for your loss. I am also sorry you were never notified. You are doing right by praying first. I think eventually you need to call someone, but not until you are ready.

New York State Of Mind said...

Good Morning Lily,
Thank you so much. Think I will call my oldest niece when I calm down. She is only 10 years younger than I am.I will wait and calm dowm.

Thank you again,
Marilyn

Gisa said...

Please let me offer my sincere condolences to you.

New York State Of Mind said...

Good Morning Gisa,
Thank you so very much. I really appreciate it.

Marilyn

New York State Of Mind said...

Hi Folks,
I tried to call the phone number that I had for eldest niece and it wouldn't go through so I got her husband's office number. I left a message with the receptionist for the doctor to have his wife call me. I explained that I was her aunt. So I am waiting to see if she calls me back. I praying that God will give me the wisdom as to what to say to her, calmly.

Marilyn

jem60 said...

Marilyn I am so sorry for your loss it is so hard to loose someone and to find out the way you did makes it even harder to bear. Please keep praying and as my late dad always told me give it to God he will know what to do.
Prayers to you my friend.

Laura said...

Hi Marilyn,

I am so very deeply sorry to hear of your brother's passing and how you learned of it. Keep praying. One reason your SIL may not be in contact with you is because of estate issues unfortunately - your brother may have left you something and they may have the attitude if you do not know, you won't bother. I know this sounds harsh but the same type thing happened to my sister and I when our father passed - my parents divorced when we were young and by his choice, we weren't in contact with our father by the time we were in our teens. It doesn't mean that we didn't love him or cared but I digress. When he passed away, we found out about 4-5 months later through Social Security as my mom received a letter stating sorry for your ex-husband's passing and by the way, your benefits are increasing (by law since she was married to him for so long, she was legally entitled to the increase). My father's wife had decided not to try to find us even though we were not hiding by any means and if we hadn't made contact with the Sheriff's department (my father was living in his mom's home when he passed away), my sister and I would have lost out on our share of our inheritance (2/3ds of the estate - which wasn't that much but still) - there has never been any love lost between us and this other woman (she helped to break up both my parents and my father's 2nd marriage). I highly doubt your situation is near as bad as how ours was but I think the best thing you can do, and don't be surprised if your nephew doesn't respond right away or if he does, if he is standoffish, is to send a nice sympathy card to your SIL without being artificial and with a note inside with your current contact information saying you are here if she/they need you....that way, you are taking the higher road. If you think you might be inheriting anything, well, you've been an estate executive so you know the procedures....I'm not trying to be greedy but time is also important just in case you decide to pursue anything....

New York State Of Mind said...

Thank you Jen 60 and Laura,
I appreciate your sympathy and prayers so much. They are really appreciated.

Marilyn

Vanssmomc said...

Marilyn, I am so sorry for your loss. I really don't have any advice to offer you, but know how much we all care about you. Let go and Let God. Cathy in Webster

New York State Of Mind said...

Hi Folks,
I just got off the phone talking to my niece for over a half hour. She said they tried to contact me, but couldn't get a hold of me. Well, I've lived in the same town, but didn't say anything. They didn't mean to leave my name off the obituary. I told my niece how much it hurt that I didn't know my brother died until four months later and my name wasn't as his surviving sister. She apologized. My brother had died suddenly. She took the blame for everything. I was calm and trusted in the Lord. At lease she now has my address, and phone number. I have hers plus her doctor husband's office number. She said I was now the head of the family. Well, I told her I want to hear from them. This is hard on all of us. I love my niece's and nephew, so I want to keep in touch. I also gave her my e-mail. I feel better, I still hurt my brother died and I just found out, but it to shall pass.

Marilyn

I don't want anything from my brother's estate. All I wanted was an apology and I got it.

New York State Of Mind said...

Thank you so much, Cathy. I feel better since I talked to my niece, but I have to get over my brother's passing. It is in the Lord's hands. He got me through the phone call.

Thank you again,
Marilyn

Heritage Hall said...

If you are going to write a tribute on that website, recount all the good memories of your relationship with your Brother that you will hold in your heart forever, offering sympathy to his Family and those who loved and lost him.... In that way, Marilyn, you express regret without blame and walk away the lady that you are... what is that expression? noblesse oblige......My sincere condolences and prayers that all will be resolved in good faith and understanding.

New York State Of Mind said...

Hi Heritage Hall,
Thank you for your prayers. Your suggestion is what I will do. Need a couple of days to think, pray and to ease the grief a little. I have been thinking of all the good times we had.

Marilyn

dynnamae n said...

Marilyn, I am so sorry for the loss of your brother and you not even knowing. I just can't imagine this kind of situation happening in a family. I have read all the comments and very happy you were able to make contact with your neice. I am thankful you allowed God's grace to help you with that call and expressing your feelings. I send you a big hug and keep you in my prayers.

New York State Of Mind said...

Thank you dynnamae n,
Thank you so much for the hug and prayers. God's grace is helping through this. It is hard though. Am so glad I contacted and talked with my niece.

Marilyn

Angela Tucker said...

Oh, Marilyn, I am so sorry. It is incredibly difficult to lose a loved, even worse when you don't have a chance to tell them that you love them one more time. I think that the suggestion that if you choose to write a tribute, talk about the good things, is a very good one. You loved your brother. You shared times as siblings that no one can can take away. I am happy for you that your niece understands how much this hurt and hope that you and your family stay in touch. I wish I could give you a hug. I will pray for you.

New York State Of Mind said...

Hi Angela,
Thank you so much for your sympathy. I really appreciate it. Am also very happy that I could get a hold of my niece. When I write the tribute, I will tell of the good times. Oh, I do and did love my brother. Thank you so much for your prayers and hug.

Marilyn

New York State Of Mind said...

Hi Folks,
Thank you all that left me messages today. I think today was my worse day in a long time. But, I did get to speak to my niece for the first time in years. I hurt so bad that my brother died. But I know grief passes in time. I will never forget my brothers or my parents. Thank you for all your prayers and sympathy. I really appreciate it.

God Bless you,
Marilyn

Wendy said...

Hi Marilyn

I meant to write this before

I want to extend my sympathy in the loss of your brother and so sorry you had to learn about the way you did and yes you have to grief.

I think it is a lovely idea to write a tribute to your brother have you thought of writing one for your nephew and niece so they each have their own copy ?

When my Mum died almost 4 years ago a couple of friends of hers write me letters telling me how they meet my Mother and also mention to me how proud she was of me and as you can imagine those letters mean the world to me

The Lord is holding you in him arms and hugging you

Keep giving thanks to him

In Jesus Name

Wendy

New York State Of Mind said...

Hi Wendy,

Thank you for your sympathy, I really appreciate it. It was shock learning in that way.

Maybe I will write a tribute to my brother. Then they will have to give me their addresses so I can send them a copy. That was nice what people wrote for your Mom.

I know the Lord is with me or I couldn't be making it through all this.

God Bless You,
Marilyn

Anonymous said...

Oh, Marilyn, I am SO sorry. What a terrible way to find out. I know you are getting needed comfort and support from Elmer and Anna, David and Jean and their families...and your "family" here, too.

New York State Of Mind said...

Hi Anonymous,
Thank you so much. It was a terrible way to find out. I do have comfort in Elmer, Anna, Jean and David and the Lord.

Thank you,
Marilyn

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry to hear of your brother's passing, and of the shocking way in which you learned of it. I am glad that you were able to speak with your niece about it. I'm also glad that you didn't react in anger, because I think that you would feel bad about it later, once the initial grief passes.

Although very sad and unfortunate, I think it's plausible that your brother's family forgot to put you in the obituary, especially if his passing was sudden. The tribute letter is a nice idea, and can serve as a much-needed olive branch. From what you say, it sounds like George would have wanted peace among the people that he loves.

Stacy

New York State Of Mind said...

Hi Stacy,
Thank you. It was a shock. I prayed a lot, before I called my niece. God guided me there. It would be nice to have peace among the family.
Thank you so much,
Marilyn

Anonymous said...

Marilyn, I am so very sorry - I will be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

Ruth

New York State Of Mind said...

Hello Ruth,

Thank you so much. I greatly appreciate it.

Marilyn

Anonymous said...

Marilyn: I'm sorry for your troubles. It sounds like everybody had their heads up their rear-ends when he died. They didn't handle it well or gracefully. Shame on them. Perhaps your niece and family members will think twice before omitting loved ones. Carol in SC

New York State Of Mind said...

Hi Carol in SC,
Thank you for your sympathy, I appreciate it. You said it like I wanted to say it. I agree, they didn't handle it well or gracefully. When I spoke with my niece, I think she realizes what they did. She told me I was the head of the family now. I am. I also told her, I am like Grandma (my mother) was, I forgive, but I don't forget.

Marilyn